The one with teacher's day....

Its more than a week since we parted...
All the details of wat happen is still stucked, swimming in my head...
How is he?
Did he close any deals?
Why is he avoiding me?
So many questions but no one could ever ans to me...
The thing that kills me is when i sms him or call him, he would always say he is bz or he nv reply... How fuck up can he be!!! Talking abt it makes me boil!!!


I never ever stoop this low n never ever let someone torture me like these... is he finding satisfaction in doing this to me...

Its teacher's day celebration today in sch n it was actually quite boring...
The dance by students r... erm... how to say... ok lah...
At least they tried n that i admire...
My kids gave me cards, sweets, flowers, they are so so sweet...
i love them to death... sadly the year end is coming n soon i got to leave them... sigh... i will nv forget abt this experience i hav with them...
rite now, they r the only reasons why i go to work...
they brighten my day when i m down... they play with me with i m lonely...
i appreciate each and everyone of them even if they r the noti ones...
But during this dark times, they dun seem to be working much anymore...
didnt realise that incident impact me so much so that it strike me to the core... i wonder how long i can handle this... i pray for a miracle n something angelic to safe me from this...


Good things seems to leave me n bad things tend to linger ard to kill me slowly...
when will i be able to move on... when will i be able to find that someone who will love n take care of me... guess i have to wait...

sign out.

The one with the morning after...

This morning i receive a sms saying "good morning and hope u had a good nite rest."

Its so good to hear from him but... sigh... wat can i say...

happy
Sad... most probably....

So many promises all dwn the drain...

i kept blaming myself... i didnt forgive myself...
i dunno how to forgive myself...
my emotion is still very shaky...
im trying to get my energy back even though i dun really want to...
i remember wat his friend showed me, his good friend committed suicide last yr and b4 he jumped, wrote a goodbye note on LiveJournal which is still operating till now...
wat im trying to say is that maybe at the back of my mind, i may think abt doing it...

i dunno wat i m doing now just... i cant seem to forget abt him...

sign out.

The one with my most honest confession...

Dear diary,

I made one of the most stupid n dumbest mistake of my life...
But till now i still dunno which mistake is worst,
1) telling the truth?
2) hide it forever?
3) never start it at all?

Of course is 3 but if its too late, which would u choose?
For me, i wanted to be truthful but now to think of it, i really regretted it.
i saw seeing someone geniue and caring, seems like to perfect match,
i cant keep my eyes off him n always m sad when he had to leave for home...
but i was greedy, his friend came flirting with me n i was tempted, i went for it,
before long, i was dating 2 person...

i try making a decision but i cant, i dunno how to choose...
16 days later, i made my mind n wanted to be honest with the original one bcos i realise i started to love him...
i thot in starting a r/s, u wld want to come clean with ur partner abt wat u did n hope that he understand...
I thot wrong...

he explain to me several ways that i could have handled it better...
example:
1) tell him in day one
2) tell him after first time i slept with him n not after 3 times
3) if we were already in a r/s he would hav given me a chance

i admit now to the whole world,

i m wrong,
i dun deserve any pity frm anyone...

I m in no position to ask for any chance or forgiveness but still, the truth is, my intention is still honest n true,
i wanted him to knw b4 i want to go further but to him, he claim he has to squeeze info from me n that i
never had wanted to...
only those friends who knew abt this would knw my intention is true...

i havent been sleeping n eating bcos i couldnt believe myself to commit such horrific sin, TRUST... i broke it
i was trying to punish myself for being so greedy n selfish... i got myself to blame n now its too late to cry over
spill milk...

Although i knw what the outcome is most probably like, i still carry some hope that miracles could happen so i went to beg for forgiveness
n mayb another chance... it went on well but soon certain factor kept interrupting n i guess mayb this is destiny, we r not meant to be as
i was getting thru to him n other things must interupt us...

i admit defeat n as i was walking ard his area maybe trying to get a glimsp of him, i kept thinking n blasting to my mp3 listening to Wen Lan's
Happy Birthday and Guang Liang's Tong Hua, tears turn to waterfall, i just couldnt stop n kept walking on thruout the nite,
dera was so so nice, she offered so much help but he was pretty rude to her...
Mum started to worry n talked to him also but he was also really rude to her, i was so pissed bcos he can do anything to me never
disrespect my mum... if even my mum ask him over sms some advice n help, he even refuse to ans her call when she called again for
his address so my sis can go pick me up...
My sis, i was so surprise to hear from her, we nv talked but she came driving her bf's car to bukit panjang to look for me even though
she dunno where i was, i was really touch, she told me she went thru exactly n although her bf accepted her back, she live thru hell n
humilation n told me its not worth it...
at a certain time, i stil thot mayb i deserve it just as long as i got to be with him...

as the nite went on n as my leg took me, further... i just felt like jumping in front of the vehicles along the road to stop my pain...
i want it to stop... just stop...

to be continue...

sign out.

The one with my little break...

Ah yo yo!!!
i need to discipline myself more loh, havent been updating... so bad of me... :(
okok first one piece of bad bad news...
MY CATERPILLAR DIED before it turned into a butterfly...
i m so sad bcos i really took so good care of it, making sure the food is fresh, n the home is clean from crap!!!
sigh... dunno wat i did... :(

any way, finally got a little break from sch... No sch tml n fri... yippy.
Can sleep late for a two days... so tired n draining lately with lots of things which somehow created by me.... thank u...
all i can say to myself is "told u so" if only i m not so itchy things wouldnt be so complicated... sigh...
hope i made the rite choice

Its the CA2 next week, i did my best to prepare them...
hope they hav at least absorbed something in their tiny brain... sigh...

Yesterday i helped dera with beading n it is so cool... i wanna do something on my own as well when i m having my holidays....
can't wait... hehe....

i had my last presentation for my entire course the other day n i m glad that it went almost perfect i guess...
i thot we did well n the lecturer was actually impress on the research we did on FedEx, well we will know when we finished everything n got our result,
i had another MCQ test yesterday n sigh... i couldnt really concentrate due to certain circumstances, meanwhile, all the rest of the ppl sitting together were like copying each other
while i was alone in a row trying my best to do it, at least i knw at the end, i did my best to get my grades and not from other dishonest means...

Am i really that difficult to be with, i thot i was understanding and careful with my words, i dun speak carelessly n end up offending or hurting someone important, i was pretty hurt yesterday
and i found out in the end, it was a big misunderstanding n i felt i was in the wrong... AGAIN.

Why is it so difficult to choose... i hate that. sigh...
i pray for a sign to help me...

sign out.

The one with my pet caterpillar...

Sigh... damn bz loh, no time for entry at all... Since its like NDP eve tml thot i do a quick up date on wat happened to me so far...

Okok the most interesting thing that happened to me last few mths should be my pet caterpillar which i got it on friday...

All teachers are suppose to take care of it and let it change into a butterfly... I am so excited although its abit disgusting but i still love it, change out the pics in my fridae profile at jonlibra. It is cute... i feed it special leaves everyday and cleaned its crap... And finally today, it curled up into a bundle (i thot it was dead)... i guess its in the pupa stage now... which to my surprise is very fast, i thot it will start as a caterpillar abit longer...

As it spins its cocoon, i can only wait for my little butterfly to bloom...
I havent name my pet yet.... i think i will call it Yuki!!! hahaha :)

okok i havin bad bad flu and fever after a long long day in the sun in sentosa... Serve me rite...!!! im so burnt now... got to rush home after sch tml to finish my assignment due at nite... Wargh!!!! So irritating... i hate being sick...

My immune system is so weak recently... sigh...

nite nite

sign out.