The one with my most honest confession...

Dear diary,

I made one of the most stupid n dumbest mistake of my life...
But till now i still dunno which mistake is worst,
1) telling the truth?
2) hide it forever?
3) never start it at all?

Of course is 3 but if its too late, which would u choose?
For me, i wanted to be truthful but now to think of it, i really regretted it.
i saw seeing someone geniue and caring, seems like to perfect match,
i cant keep my eyes off him n always m sad when he had to leave for home...
but i was greedy, his friend came flirting with me n i was tempted, i went for it,
before long, i was dating 2 person...

i try making a decision but i cant, i dunno how to choose...
16 days later, i made my mind n wanted to be honest with the original one bcos i realise i started to love him...
i thot in starting a r/s, u wld want to come clean with ur partner abt wat u did n hope that he understand...
I thot wrong...

he explain to me several ways that i could have handled it better...
example:
1) tell him in day one
2) tell him after first time i slept with him n not after 3 times
3) if we were already in a r/s he would hav given me a chance

i admit now to the whole world,

i m wrong,
i dun deserve any pity frm anyone...

I m in no position to ask for any chance or forgiveness but still, the truth is, my intention is still honest n true,
i wanted him to knw b4 i want to go further but to him, he claim he has to squeeze info from me n that i
never had wanted to...
only those friends who knew abt this would knw my intention is true...

i havent been sleeping n eating bcos i couldnt believe myself to commit such horrific sin, TRUST... i broke it
i was trying to punish myself for being so greedy n selfish... i got myself to blame n now its too late to cry over
spill milk...

Although i knw what the outcome is most probably like, i still carry some hope that miracles could happen so i went to beg for forgiveness
n mayb another chance... it went on well but soon certain factor kept interrupting n i guess mayb this is destiny, we r not meant to be as
i was getting thru to him n other things must interupt us...

i admit defeat n as i was walking ard his area maybe trying to get a glimsp of him, i kept thinking n blasting to my mp3 listening to Wen Lan's
Happy Birthday and Guang Liang's Tong Hua, tears turn to waterfall, i just couldnt stop n kept walking on thruout the nite,
dera was so so nice, she offered so much help but he was pretty rude to her...
Mum started to worry n talked to him also but he was also really rude to her, i was so pissed bcos he can do anything to me never
disrespect my mum... if even my mum ask him over sms some advice n help, he even refuse to ans her call when she called again for
his address so my sis can go pick me up...
My sis, i was so surprise to hear from her, we nv talked but she came driving her bf's car to bukit panjang to look for me even though
she dunno where i was, i was really touch, she told me she went thru exactly n although her bf accepted her back, she live thru hell n
humilation n told me its not worth it...
at a certain time, i stil thot mayb i deserve it just as long as i got to be with him...

as the nite went on n as my leg took me, further... i just felt like jumping in front of the vehicles along the road to stop my pain...
i want it to stop... just stop...

to be continue...

sign out.